Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend

mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will

Coworker: What book you reading there?

Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’

CW:…

Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.

Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.

“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?

You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?

If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?

“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.

“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.

Going for a poo could spell trouble!

November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow

*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*

Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:

– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)

Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.

If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee

My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.