I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
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I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.