I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
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4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁