I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
You Might Also Like
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.