I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
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[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
every time I roll over in the middle of the night
BETRAYAL
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.