I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
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watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
[montage of me giving-up]
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?