I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
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I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Bruh PLEASE
Lucky for me, I don’t have enough friends for an intervention
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
I can also cook 😂
her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10