I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
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date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
oppen heimer style lol
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t