“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
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Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Pass gas, not judgment.
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
What’s so funny?
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Not to brag, but my husband and I are crushing it—we haven’t had a single fight all year.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
*swipes right on my hand mirror