“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
You Might Also Like
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.