“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
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Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!