I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
You Might Also Like
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Seems legit.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree