I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
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Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
When ur friends with white people
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem