I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
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Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Police officer: please step out of your vehicle
me: after this song, hold on
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?