I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
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me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.