I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

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I think the guy in front of me is trying to resolve the world’s economic issues single handedly at this ATM.


[Date Night]

I poured us a bubble bath.

Him: *sigh* is it Sprite again?

*sipping seductively from tub with a krazy straw*: Just get in.


But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…


[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow


Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.


Funny how shampoo bottles weigh like, 2 pounds in real life, but when dropped in the shower they turn into a meteor.


“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.


FLEETWOOD MAC: Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

ME: Ok. Bears always catch salmon cause they think they’re saving them from drowning