@darksidedeb

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

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@JohnLyonTweets

Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.

It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.

@Bob_Lesh

*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”

@TheHyyyype

writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i’m already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better

@Burnam1

Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…

Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.

@markleggett

At some point, male “pick-up artists” are just going to start chasing women around like Benny Hill.

@Tups13

Me: Will you help me find my Pikachu onesie?
Her: Let’s split up.
Me: Good thinking. We can cover more ground that way.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: Oh.

@UncleDuke1969

The only highlight of a brutal moving day:

Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”

4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”

@leshnevsky

Today I played dead with my 5yo nephew. He cried for 5 seconds, then grabbed my iPhone and run away.

@Darlainky

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

@iwearaonesie

[leaving the restaurant]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 5 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign