Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
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*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
At some point, male “pick-up artists” are just going to start chasing women around like Benny Hill.
Me: Will you help me find my Pikachu onesie?
Her: Let’s split up.
Me: Good thinking. We can cover more ground that way.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Today I played dead with my 5yo nephew. He cried for 5 seconds, then grabbed my iPhone and run away.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
[leaving the restaurant]
me [wearing 5 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign