I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
You Might Also Like
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Couldn’t untangle my Christmas lights this year.
So I plugged them in and threw them out in the front yard. Christmas tumbleweed and done.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?