Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUG

QUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive

If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it

Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips

Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election

who named him groot and not spruce lee

Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.

I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “

JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed

my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”

“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera

It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁

People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.

-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral

“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”

ME: What do we want?!

“TIME TRAVEL!”

ME: When do we–oh

Friend: You need help?

Me: I need to write a couple letters.

Friend: OK

Me: Not those.

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.

Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”