I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
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Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:
Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.