Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”

~me, when I can’t open the cheese

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.

Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.

HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.

I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft

me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?

cop:

me: you’re brothers?

mario: that’s-a right!

me: which explains why you dress the same

luigi: that’s-a right!

me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?

mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.

BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]

No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.

If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.

Sharks: [losing teeth]

Tooth fairy: please stop

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

“Omelet you finish.”

– Kanyegg West

request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty

Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.

Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.

Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”

“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.

“No, lots of wine bags.”

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….