I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
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BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I don’t think my car can fly
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat