Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins

Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?

[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat

Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.

*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer

In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.

Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude

The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single

The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.

[Time is NOT Real Institute]

BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME {coyly}: Time is not real

BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?

ME: Right away

BOSS: …

ME: Oh shi-

I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?

Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain

“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.

my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect

5: Mom, look at me!

Me: I’m in the shower

5: Look at me!

Me: I can’t!

5: Because you’re in the shower?

Me: Yes!

5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!

Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.

me: ahh vacation

brain: time to relax

me: no work

brain: well it’s still there

me: stop

brain: just… waiting

me: please

brain: g r o w i n g

me: no

Him: Who’s The Man?!?

Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….

Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.

10: When there were dinosaurs?

I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.

People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.

Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok