Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?

North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.

There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.

I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

*laughs all the way to the bank*

*cries all the way back*

“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.

If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.

[first date]

HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.

ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.

I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.

Therapist: healing isn’t linear

Me: what if I pay extra?

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.

My little girl will never have daddy issues.

But her future boyfriends will.

Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.

When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel

Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.