Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room

Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.

Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.

Bride: [fuming]

Gandalf: [looks fabulous]

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.

Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry

I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary

I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes

Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.

Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.

Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?

Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.

My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.

Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.

Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*

Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this

Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all

I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…

juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??

God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol

You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past

On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

Happy Thanksgiving

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok

Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person

Him: whatcha doing over there?

Me: playing on my phone

Him: oh yeah? What game?

Me: my favorite game

Him: which one is that?

Me: …Amazon

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers

burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”