Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers

What I said: it’s bedtime

What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime

No good deed goes unposted on social media.

My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*

You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.

[Later]

Her: You passed our stop.

Me: I am aware.

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

a New Yorker reject, for you

You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle

When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.

“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.

When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that

you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*

when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do

Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]

Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?

Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.

Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?

Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT