Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
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If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
this was the best i’ve ever seen
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
this is the best day of my life
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP