I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
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My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
For when Tinder doesn’t work
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”