Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.

Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!

“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games

“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank

maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.

it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

I stand out like a peanut in a turd.

911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.

Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.

Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.

[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.

[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.

I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.

A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.

murder on the timeline

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*

Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

{Text to boyfriend}

Meet me at our place.

Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot

Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart

Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough

I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.

Can’t stop laughing.. 😂

Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt