Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.

Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…

Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*

me: how much for the cow bras?

salesperson: those are gloves

Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese

Girlfriend: Yes probably more

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead

Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.

Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.

Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*

2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME

If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.

“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”

Alexa: *cackles maniacally*

waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes

me: what’s in them?

Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.

Me: Do I have to?

Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.

Me: *moonwalks to the car*

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.

[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis