I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
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Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
😂🤣😂🤣
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
me and the Superbowl rn
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Lmaoo 😂
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.