I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
You Might Also Like
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?