Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.

But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying

Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?

“Ok, let’s go now” 😂

*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there

friend: you live in an apartment complex

me: oh yeah

ME: There’s something disgusting in my food

WAITER: Our plates are reflective

Me: I just heard a noise

WebMD: Cancer

When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed

“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”

– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”

When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted

Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.

An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.

It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.

mentally somewhere in italy

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.