I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
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Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Breaking news:
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”