I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
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Pikachu found the lost joint
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
I created you as mosquito food.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
“Wow, it’s like every single member of my family is clinically insane,” I said, and then a cold chill ran up my spine…
With subpar graphics and absolutely no plot, TurboTax is, hands down, the worst video game I have ever played ⭐⭐
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
I can’t stop laughing at this
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she