I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
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I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.