I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
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*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
I cannot call her anything else now
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to ?”
You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.