Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

Me: Mow the lawn.

Son: I don’t want to.

Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman

Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

[At work]

What can I do to pass the time?

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees

why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism

My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?

Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.

Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.

One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.

Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.

Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

I love art.

Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.

Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.

Therapist: Would you date yourself?

Me: No, I deserve better…

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)

Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

By Kate Hatos

a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup

M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.