Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo

Alfred: right away, Bruce-o

The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.

-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive

‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC

You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped

No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.

PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it

ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.

school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life

My child: Picks cookie with the most icing

Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off

The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.

Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]

Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?

“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”

{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.

I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.

My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.

my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice

my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.

Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.

There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.

FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?

ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.