I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
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Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.