I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
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I’d like to have a word with the groundhog before he starts on his bullshit this year.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
founder of costco: [drunk as hell] it’s gonna have hot dogs and optometrists
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.