Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

Ryan Reynolds is my cousin

~ me flirting

~ also me lying

In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)

[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.

Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.

Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what

Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.

13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you

I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

Received some very disappointing news today

*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building

Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!

Me: Oh you are so full of shit!

One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.

me: i don’t like talking about myself

random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’

me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old

being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired

Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.

Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

you: *finger guns*

me: *collapses*

you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*

me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*

you: *freezes*

me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*

you: *starts to raise your finger guns

me: *finger guns*