I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
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CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?