I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
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Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Air conditioning – not a fan
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.