I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
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Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Teach your children to beatbox
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one