I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
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Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater
The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
They also CAN sing✌️
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”