Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

Who were the kings of disco?

A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.

Me: *throws watch into river*

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.

I became fatter.

“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”

-guy who discovered milk

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.

No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts

i’m a 10 (tion deficit)

Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes

Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms

Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home

Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great

What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue

Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?

*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it

[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]

me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?

How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.

Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe

CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons

MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.

Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*

[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep