Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim

Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?

Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for

Netflix: Oh ok

Me: No I mean put it on

me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber

coworker: what adorable costumes!

me: costumes?

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.

My body: I want donuts.

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.

Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.

The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”

-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”

If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.

[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole

CONTESTANT: what?

[hole opens in the ground]

Tell the colonel to bring it

Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent

*watches a house fall on you*

*steals your shoes*

So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!