Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.

Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.

Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?

God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.

Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.

I’m so pro-life,

I believe life begins at erection.

Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.

Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation

Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

I like to diffuse situations with humor

And a machete

Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.

this is a sign that you need a union

Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.

Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.

Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

I always thought a fortress was a female fort.

[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further

A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.

When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.

The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.

And then the fortune cookie company fired me

My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”

HR reminds us to proof read before sending

Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either

I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”

Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.