Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first

Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?

Me: “Cadbury eggs.”

These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors

Thou shalt not commit adulthood

With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.

So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.

realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”

I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.

He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.

I can’t wait!

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.

My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

Sign: Drive like your kids live here!

Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*

Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.

meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”

MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.

Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-

Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!

My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?

tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.