Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I needed a laugh this morning.

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit

I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.

He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.

There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.

I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.

Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*

But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me

Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?

Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?

Son: yes

Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.

If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean

There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?

That took me a moment.

[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle

A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”

To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.

– Are you sure?

-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

It’s Monday, but at what cost?

5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?

Me: I don’t know.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?

If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.