I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
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If you know, you know 😂🚔
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you