I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
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“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
This will never not be funny to me.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then