I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
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My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Sorry I speak my mind.
It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.