I can easily control the weather.
– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado
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when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
I like how “not my circus, not my monkeys” softly implies that you DO have a circus—perhaps even complete with monkeys—but this isn’t it
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.