I can easily control the weather.
– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado
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This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.