I can easily control the weather.
– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado
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When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Put this video in the Louvre
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.