I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
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My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…
Well, toucan play at that game.
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again