I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
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I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
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Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
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Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
6: are snakes just neck?
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
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Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
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Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
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When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.