I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
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I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child