Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.

I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper

as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?

Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work

Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way

My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years

Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.

People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects

No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.

I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.

I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?

Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one

my boss: here’s your raise

me: thanks

my landlord: he was talking to me

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”

We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.

Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses