Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.

[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”

Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.

Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.

Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.

toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]

The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.

[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”

Cat: [coughing up a hairball]

French tutor: very good

(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET

Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.

The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

Guantanamo Bae

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*

Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?

Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already