I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
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If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
There’s always that one guy
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras