Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who wore it best? #Oscars2015

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch

when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead

ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.

A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting

boy: WOLF!

villager: nope, that’s a coyote

boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me

villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars

My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix

I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.

People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

– What have you come as?

– A Werewolf.

– But… they’re your normal clothes.

– It’s not a full moon.

I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.

Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*

When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”

Cyclops: Wow

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food

I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.

*changes phone default notification sound*

become ungovernable

Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot

Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.

We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.