I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
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Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.
Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now