Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.

I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.

[Funeral]

Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”

Widow: “Please do”

Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”

Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”

incredible

Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!

[Stick Insects Anonymous]

Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.

IT’S-A ME,

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

me: dentist said the kids have the plague

wife: plaque

me: yes a memorial would be good

I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.

Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen

Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”

I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

Me: 5, 4, 3..

Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”

Me: 2, 1, 0

Kid 1 {Scream crying}

Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”

Friend: “Oh.”

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?

Me *reports him to Human Resources*

Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…

my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed

“How can I improve my cooking skills?”

Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone

Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]

Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.

Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.