Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.

*pushes vending machine over

NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET

HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*

professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it

professor: okay there is one stupid question

What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us

A welcome mat is a gateway rug.

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me

WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?

🍞🦆

Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”

ME: Who’s a good boy?

MY DOG: What have you heard?

“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”

– IT Department as marriage counselors

“My door is always open.”

— World’s worst submarine commander

My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.

Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

Go gym

As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here

Inventing The Octopus-

God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.

Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.

ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments

GENIE: um ok

ME: I wish everyone was gullible

GENIE: Done

ME: And I wish for updog

GENIE: What’s updog?

ME: *looks at camera*

i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?

I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.