I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
