Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.

[high school]

Teacher: do u have your homework?

Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.

Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..

Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

me: hey man you ready to go?

goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone

me:

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: almost done?

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: son of a-

[On the next episode of…]

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

Lets keep this short tell me what I did right

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)

The photographer’s assistant

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?

Me: Sure.

9: Can I spend two nights?

Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER

DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?

DOG: NO

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Person: How do you go to the bathroom?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.

my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”

Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s

Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp

Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.

Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’