Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?

Me: Enthusiasm.

Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.

Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.

The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.

I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!

when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that

i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”

Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.

Game developer: his name is Donkey

Nintendo: nice

Developer: he’s a gorilla

Nintendo: ok twist

Developer: who wears a necktie

Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?

Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?

Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.

sigh

The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.

First rule of flight club…no penguins.

4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?

Me: A million.

4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?

Me: Must’ve been an earthquake

*Telephone Rings*

Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?

Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?

Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?

Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?

i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it