I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
You Might Also Like
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
