I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
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tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
#Caturday
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did