Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.

I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.

No time for questions.

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.

Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.

American:

Brit:

American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented

FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction

Me: I swear, I was not abducted

From basement: *inhuman screeches*

Agent: What was that

Me: My excessively human child

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.

But I’m the one that needs meds?

I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.

👽

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.

Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.

I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours

Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?

Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?