Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”

I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”

You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.

DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.

The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.

Me: I’ll be there in five minutes

Pharmacist: It should be ready

Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*

Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes

Me: I KNEW IT

HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.

ATM: just any 4 numbers.

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”

[3am]

My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]

Also my demon: there will be cookies

Me: say no more!

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for

Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard

To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.

I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction

[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes

Ah..makes sense now

3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.

doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside

then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing

Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.

Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room

no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭

*Knocks down spider web*

Spider: Rude

*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*

Spider: Unbelievable

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day