Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.

Me: THE drawer?

Wife: Yeah.

Great. There go our Oreos.

I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.

accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.

Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.

Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?

Me: Yes but

Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?

Me: What you have to understand is

Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”

Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.

The judge, however called it compelling evidence

*eye roll*

NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food

*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression

i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.

“Do you have any children?”

Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”

friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid

me: wow, that’s hardcore

*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*

I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.

Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.

me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me

bartender: no

me: … excuse me?

bartender (taking my money): you want anything else