I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
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Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
*offers Batman cough drops*
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE