I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can鈥檛 explain this 馃槶
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Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that鈥檚 way worse
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
I don鈥檛 mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn鈥檛 need anymore.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
When people tell me my skin is soft I can鈥檛 help but wonder if they鈥檙e measuring me for a rug
[walking into a gym]
me: i鈥檓 looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait