I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
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How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
bury ourselves
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Rt to bother an English speaker
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Britain be like
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.